I am a twenty-something constipated medical student. That's about the only thing I want to share with you right now.
.::ExTrA ExTrA::.
Your Hidden Power Is Water
You have a rather calm soul, but when tempted will get pissed off at those who bug you. You do whatever you can in your powers to help those of your allies and have an okay taste for human kind, but you find them rather annoying on occasions.
People who try desperately to win, particularly at all costs, end up losing everything.
-Conrado de Quiros, INQ 12-06-05
After the people are dead, after the things are broken and scattered, taste and smell alone, more fragile but more enduring, more unsubstantial, more persistent, more faithful, remain poised a long time, like souls, remembering, waiting, hoping, amid the ruins of all the rest.
-Marcel Proust, Remembrance of Things Past
I have to reckon with myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged, their feathers are just too bright. And when they fly away, the part of you that knows it was a sin to lock them up does rejoice, but still, the place you live in is that much more drab and empty that they are gone.
-Ellis Redding, Shawshank Redemption
Et ignotas animum dimittit in artes.(And he sets his mind to work upon unknown arts.)
OVID, Metamorphoses, VIII., 18
And as for knowledge of the facts of nature, I want you to devote yourself with curiosity: let there be no sea, river nor fountain of which you do not know its fish; all the birds in the air, all the trees, all the shrubs and fruits of the forests... By frequent dissections, acquire perfect knowledge... I feel a well of science... But science without conscience is nothing but ruin of the soul.
- Francois Rabelais, 1554
.::How Am I?::.
February 5, 2006
~Love month. So what?
~I have more important things to worry about. Like the anatomical and physiological proceedings of excreta production. Coz not only is it the love month, it's also gastrointestinal month for us poor unfortunate medical students. How lovely. And appropriate.
December 1, 2005
~CHRISTMAS Season! love it! most absolutely!
November 28, 2005
~It's Janis' fault. Now this song is really stuck in my head.
~Softly, gently, I will let you go lay you down. Coz I don't love you in the same way now. I can hold you, but not with lover's arms. Coz you are more of a brother to me now... Lalala...
November 25, 2005
~Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. Think happy thoughts. And remember that you're doing okay, whatever happens.
November 21, 2005
~Ah yes, to walk in the rain. What therapy. Pity it hasn't rained for days.
~Yey, I'm having dinner with friends!
November 18, 2005
~Of eyeglasses, big toothy grins, and silent intelligence.
~My nerdic ways are starting to resurface.
November 17, 2005
~I'm on rebound mode. Err. I hope. And the cranial nerves make me go mad. Horn mad. Dead mad. Malfunctioning brain cells have no place in the medical field. What in the world am I doing here, anyway??
~Sanity. What's this word again?
November 15, 2005
~Pffft! Too much sleep. Hence, I will cram (again).
This BLOG was created on December 29, 2004, But the counter malfunctioned halfway through, So now, I installed a new counter!
as a matter of fact, we just had our rehearsals at church. it was fun, as everybody was there. his side of the family. my side of the family. everybody talking. and laughing. and taking pictures.
it was so like the real thing already. and we had plenty of time to talk between rehearsals. holding hands and laughing. asking each other silly little nothings.
until out of impulse, he wanted to go to boracay. he tells me: just walk on out, like two children running away to play.
as i was about to say yes, the inevitable happened.
i woke up.
and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the weirdest dream i had in my almost 21 years of existence.
but wait. it get's weirder. this guy i'm supposedly marrying, he has a face. and a name to boot.
Gotta love relatives. Boy, they sure can find ways to make me feel ugly.
And they do it, too, with such pageantry that before I knew what hit me, I've already retreated to my little shell.
Ain't that nice?
II
I'd like to think I'm really something. I have spunk. I'm spontaneous. And funny, too.
But I realize I'm only like that to a handful of people.
To the rest of the world, boring doesn't even begin to describe me.
And well, sometimes, you get this funny feeling.
Perhaps the rest of the world is right.
III
To be 20 and not have a bestfriend is a sad thing. It really is. My dad's work had to pull us into a million different places, there wasn't enough time to build genuine, err, bestfriend-ships.
During times when I feel this certain sense of sadness from deep within, it's such a major bummer realizing no one's there to be sad with me.
Because the truth is, I am sad. There's a twitch in my soul that I can't explain. Like there's something missing. Or something broken.
Human nature makes us invest in great expectations, up until the time we realize that the best way to have something really great come our way is to stop expecting anything at all.
November 2005.
To be enveloped by sadness is okay. To grieve is normal. To weep is to realize that not all roads lead somewhere. Some roads are meant to be dead-ends so that we can trace back our path and figure out where exactly we went wrong. And having done that, having corrected the error in our ways, there is much more reason to be thankful. And much more reason to keep on walking, because really, dead-ends actually lead somewhere, don't they?
October 2005.
Families are important. And I'm not only talking about blood ties. I'm also talking about the people who've been automatically programmed to strengthen us every time we feel like giving up, people who will pick us up after a hard blow, people with gentle, calming whispers to erase the hurt we feel in our soul. I'm talking about the people who would, with utmost certainty, offer their handkerchiefs long before there were tears in our eyes.
Families. With or without blood ties. That's how it should be.
September 2005.
Take time for mental snapshots. Store them in a special place uncorrupted by time or circumstance. It is from the mental snapshots we take that love is borne.
August 2005.
Truth is certainly stranger than fiction. But if there is one regret I'd like to proclaim now, it is that I did not tell or show the truth when I had the chance. Like a coward hiding behind certain pretensions, I told the truth when it was already too late.
But I also learned that yesterday's regrets should have no bearing on today. Yesterday's gone for good. Tomorrow's not here yet. What I have is the HERE and NOW. And I must live it with as little regret as possible.
Someone once asked me if he had anything to do with the entries that I publish in my blog. I neither answered in the affirmative nor did I negate his query. After all, it wouldn't really matter. It wouldn't change anything. But just so he knows, and just so I won't regret not ever telling him, I have to say that yes, he's like the little voice that tells me what to write and how to write them. At night, while I concoct my entries, while my fingers tap on the keys, his face would pop out from nowhere. The conversations we had, they would lurk at the back of my head. And I can't help it.
Inspiration? Most absolutely.
July 2005.
To fear is to acknowledge the weaknesses inherent in each of us. Fear constantly reminds us that no matter how strong we appear to be, we cannot stand on our own. We, the inhabitants of Earth, living under the same sky, breathing the same air, burdened by the same troubles that are mostly of our own making, have an inherent capacity to need each other, to search for this one other soul who can erase our fears by their mere presence. God in His infinite wisdom saw the purpose of creating Eve for Adam and Adam for Eve.
People needing people. More than material wealth or earthly affluence, it's all about reaching out. And touching lives. And making a difference.
June 2005.
To carve one's niche is never an easy task. To find the purpose for one's existence is a daunting challenge. But it actually helps knowing you're not alone each time a new journey begins. And that friends will meet you at certain crossroads in life just to remind you that your dreams are much more within your reach.
I welcome myself to medical school. I am scared, but if you say that I will be okay, then I will be okay.
May 2005.
At certain times in this earthly existence, one begins to ponder upon the path with which Heaven wants our lives go. It is during these times that I find my own little place, sit quietly, and just drown in the peaceful serenity of solitude. Sometimes, the solitude becomes so overwhelming that serenity is soon replaced by doubt, or fear, or hopeless abandon. But looking back, I realize that the times I have spent in introspection, those times I spent conversing with my God, are actually the most productive times of my life.
In solitude, one is never alone.
April 2005.
People make mistakes. During moments of anger and confusion, one is bound to say hurtful, debilitating words that are meaningful and meaningless at the same time. It is never easy to find the strength to apologize, but once you do, there is a certain peace in the soul that one feels.
I am sorry. These are the words I should say more often.
March 2005.
Certain doors are meant to close so that other doors may open. It is then wiser of me to accept the change of events occurring in my life. I am to close old chapters and open new ones. I am to say goodbye and say hello. I am to let go and hold on. At the same time. The shifting sands of life play on regardless of whether I am prepared for it or not.
February 2005.
Love is ever present. The people who bring it may come and go. The situation may vary. Its definition may not be what we envisioned it to be. But love remains.
And someday, I will finally understand what it means to be the keeper of a stubborn kind of love, one that never leaves the heart despite ever meandering circumstance.
January 2005.
New beginnings. New chances. A renewed sense of hope.
Nothing is more beautiful than the first sunshine of the new year.
i will take down notes in class. and i will stop eating rice. and i will lose weight. and i will pay attention. and i will read and read and read and read.
i will take down notes in class. and i will stop eating rice. and i will lose weight. and i will pay attention. and i will read and read and read and read.
i will take down notes in class. and i will stop eating rice. and i will lose weight. and i will pay attention. and i will read and read and read and read.
behind secret stares.
and blushing smiles.
and introspective whispers.
it's there.
behind stolen glances.
and small, silly surprises.
and simple nothings.
it's there.
waiting.
remembering.
deciphering.
in harmony with the rhythm of one's heart.
and one's soul.
in tune with the dance of life.
and living.
two separates lives.
held by some strange, compelling force.
in parallel directions.
and perpendicular encounters.
the music plays on.
regardless of things past.
or of things yet to come.
or of things that could've been.
but never will.
the music of my life plays on.
and finally.
i hear a faint, familiar voice.
singing this faint, familiar song.
if it's not too much to ask.
please sing louder.
so i'll know where you are,
and i can follow the path of your voice.
and perhaps, in time,
we could sing the song.
together.
I love surprises. The kind that magically presents itself right in front of you, quicker than a blink. The kind that's just there. No questions asked. No explanations necessary.
It is official. I am slowly turning into a real medical student. Oh no. Oh yes. Oh no.
In addition, I am actually having fun. How weird is that?
What am I talking about? I am so not me today. I can't explain it. Or maybe I can. But I won't. Or maybe I will. But not now. Maybe later. Maybe never. Maybe. Maybe not.
I am playing with words. Because they are flexible. And they bend to my will.
And oh yeah. I end this entry with some words of wisdom: Unexpected happiness is a surprise that's worth every penny of its price.
I went to the River Piedra so I can throw a few pieces of me away. I thought it would float to some mysterious place where hurt would vanish. But those tiny, insignificant pieces of me, they sank to the bottom. And those tiny, insignifant pieces of me, I feel them still. Imagine how difficult that is, sinking to the bottom. Sinking. And sinking. And sinking. And there realize, everything's significant. Everything matters. What a mistake.
Some words connect like pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. And the emotions that go along with these words, they fit so snugly. And so perfectly. I wish the same could be said about relationships.
.::III::.
It's funny. When you find yourself enclosed in a tiny box and you can't exactly get out, you start missing people. And you can only wish they'd remember you enough to investigate the reason behind the absences. And you can only wish they'd realize that some things are keeping you boxed up. I hope somebody offers a helping hand soon enough.
on some shimmering spotless window,
my distant, unfaltering moon awaits.
cloaked in madness,
charmed by desire,
curtained by some strange force
that hold both heaven and hell
in their proper perspectives,
I await my turn,
eyes piercing glass sculptures,
hands grasping nothingness.
in dreams that go from A to B
and back again
(but with a different route),
i move in gregorian rhythm.
i am lost at sea,
no sight of land,
no evidence of air.
nothingness.
pure,
blissful,
unabridged.
i surrender to this nothingness,
if only because surrendering to something
eschews the emptiness
one feels when the clock strikes twelve
and circadian rhythms
lose their rhyme.
on some shimmering spotless window,
the stars dance like mad lovers
seeing each other for the first time.
the music is loud, and quite surprisingly, unobtrusive.
music so loud,
it becomes silent.
music only the soul can hear.
on a night such as this,
one can think of many things.
of gabriel garcia marquez.
of ernest hemingway.
of milan kundera.
tonight,
while the moon awaits,
while the stars dance like mad lovers,
while the music begins to fade,
i think.
but with nothing to think of,
i surrender
to the silent lullabye
of my heart.
